foreverphantom

You could've told me you did it without telling me it was a job.

[stubbornly!! and then:] ... It hurt.

[a lot. it was a lot, to lose reigen and then lose ace so fast, and there's not a lot that can really... fix the feeling of despair she had that weekend. it was the game, it happened, and they're back now so it's okay, but. the hole is still there, the echo of it, and she's healing around it.]

But I didn't want you to die for it.

[ well. there's nothing he can do to fix that despair. other than just feel bad, like somehow him being miserable will fix her own misery.

and also a little bit bitter, at all the people who told him that he should've confessed to nimona sooner when he was just too scared to do so. ]

...does it help if I say I didn't die for it, apparently?

[she wrinkles her nose at that.]

Hanako told me he did it. Or made Vane do it, anyway.

...yeah. I thought it was revenge for what I did to Reigen, but apparently he just really hated my guts and wanted me gone.

[ seething rage and anger and bitterness... ]

[there's

a LOT of guilt there, but she doesn't say anything for a second.]

That's a little my fault. Not on purpose. But.

What? How?

It's not like you told him to kill me, is it?

[ he immediately dismisses it as stupidly impossible, but then there is a brief moment of fear that the guilt is because she actually did ]

No.

[she's a little offended at that actually wow!!! but only for a second.]

I specifically told him not to kill you, actually, if you have to know. [scowls.] ... But he got mad the week we switched powers and never forgave you for it. I didn't like not being able to shift and he held a grudge.

[hanako's a little psychopath and she loves him but she knows the way he shows care through murder is like, Not Okay to normal people. she doesn't care, but she's not people.]

[ ah. the emotions unclench a little ] ...he told me as much himself, actually. The next week. That he wouldn't kill me because you told him not to. I was stupid enough to take him at his word. I don't trust him one bit, but I thought for your sake he'd hold his end of the deal.

It's why he caught me off guard when he did kill me. I was preparing for someone else to come after me, but I'd counted him out of the running. [ a bit of self-directed anger and disappointment at that, for daring to trust in him ]

I didn't think he was gonna do it either.

[she rubs at her face with both hands.]

But the Foxes needed to kill. So he made Vane kill you to fulfill that, because he didn't like you, and because he knew it'd mean nobody would vote for me because I was the last one.

[which she's... not exactly happy about but like, it has internal logic?]

Well keeping you from getting voted for was a good move, and I can't believe that's something I agree with him on... [ SEETHING HATRED at appreciating any amount of hanako's logic whatsoever ]

I would've been happy to let Vane kill me. I was--well, I wasn't happy, but it's why I didn't put up a fight against him. Except it was really Hanako and now I don't even know if the credit for the kill actually went to Vane or not.

[there's surprise, at that first part, which might be funny.]

... It doesn't matter because Will's counted.

[silence, for a second.]

I'm not really that mad anymore.

Ugh, I know. Makes my whole death pointless to begin with.

[ the emotional sourness falls away at that declaration though ]

...you don't have to lie, Nimona.

Dude, I wouldn't be nice to spare your feelings.

[she tells him flatly, finally looking at him.]

You killed someone important to me and it got my brother killed because of it, and then you lied for a week about it and pretended like it never happened. I should be pissed at you forever, but the thing is, Tiger told you to do it, and I hate him more than you.

[there's a very, very loud anger in her at that - she's not kidding when she says it. but it cools off after a second.]

Things aren't gonna be like they were. I'm more mad you lied. But I'm talking to you now, and if I wasn't fine with that I just wouldn't do it, and you know that.

[ her brother, huh...for a second it confuses him because he can't think of any siblings that nimona has or ever mentioned, but then he catches on and, well. because he's petty at heart, it stings a little. to know that ace qualifies for that kind of position when he never will. probably because he, y'know, got ace killed. ]

Well, then...how are things going to be?

...also, please don't kill Tiger or anything either.

[the funny thing is she doesn't even realize that's what she called him, it just slipped out. she'd be mortified if she realized.

she also gives him a look first, with a little burst of like, hurt feelings, something shivery and sad.]

Stop assuming I'm going to kill people because I'm mad. I'm not actually an animal, I have self control.

[ he flinches a little and looks down, ashamed ]

N-no, it's not--I just meant--

...you'd be justified if you did.

[scowls.]

Yeah, maybe. Tiger could use someone to drag his stupid self-important ass down to earth but it's not going to be me because honestly, I don't care what he does after all of this as long as it's as far away from me as possible.

... Look. Do you remember that guy from my memory? From a few weeks ago. Ballister.

[ looks up at the change in topic ]

...yes? What about him?

Right before I got here, he found out what I am. He pulled a sword on me, and called me a monster.

[she says it steady, but it's still hard on her - her chest aches with it.]

It's not the first time that's happened but that's not what I'm getting at. [but her point is:] I don't - I can't. Handle it, when people fuck with my trust. Friends. Friends who fuck with my trust.

But Nico said it might be worth it to give you another shot, so I'm not writing you off entirely.

[ there's a pang of gratefulness, relief, but also...pain and shame and embarrassment. ]

...I haven't had friends in a long time. I haven't...cared about anyone in well over a decade, before coming here. It's...nice. I forgot how nice it could be.

And how terrifying.

I...the whole time I've been here, I'd had to relearn everything about being a person. Including how to make, and keep, friends. And how doing certain things can affect them.

Somehow, I ended up with friends, people I cared about, again for the first time in years, and when I realized I screw up, I just. I didn't know how to deal with it. All I knew was that I didn't want to lose what little I had all over again.

[she kind of just sorts through this, thinking.]

Yeah. [she says finally.] I guess I get that.

You weren't doing a terrible job.

Until the murder, I assume.

[ still, there's a bit of warmth there--praise, from one of the people who has been teaching him how good it can be to have friends!! ]

[it really is the blind following the blind as far as knowing how to make and keep friends but they're both trying!!! probably!!!

she's vaguely exasperated by this, but there's a tinge of like, amusement to it too.]

No, until you lied to me for a week about not having done it. I can get over the murder thing.

...oh.

Right.

...sorry. [ you know. in case the remorse wasn't already clear. ]

... I'm not gonna say it's alright because I'm not over it, but I hear your apology.

[that's the best she can do, but - it's a start.]

NIMONA

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