Right before I got here, he found out what I am. He pulled a sword on me, and called me a monster.
[she says it steady, but it's still hard on her - her chest aches with it.]
It's not the first time that's happened but that's not what I'm getting at. [but her point is:] I don't - I can't. Handle it, when people fuck with my trust. Friends. Friends who fuck with my trust.
But Nico said it might be worth it to give you another shot, so I'm not writing you off entirely.
[ there's a pang of gratefulness, relief, but also...pain and shame and embarrassment. ]
...I haven't had friends in a long time. I haven't...cared about anyone in well over a decade, before coming here. It's...nice. I forgot how nice it could be.
And how terrifying.
I...the whole time I've been here, I'd had to relearn everything about being a person. Including how to make, and keep, friends. And how doing certain things can affect them.
Somehow, I ended up with friends, people I cared about, again for the first time in years, and when I realized I screw up, I just. I didn't know how to deal with it. All I knew was that I didn't want to lose what little I had all over again.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
...yes? What about him?
no subject
[she says it steady, but it's still hard on her - her chest aches with it.]
It's not the first time that's happened but that's not what I'm getting at. [but her point is:] I don't - I can't. Handle it, when people fuck with my trust. Friends. Friends who fuck with my trust.
But Nico said it might be worth it to give you another shot, so I'm not writing you off entirely.
no subject
...I haven't had friends in a long time. I haven't...cared about anyone in well over a decade, before coming here. It's...nice. I forgot how nice it could be.
And how terrifying.
I...the whole time I've been here, I'd had to relearn everything about being a person. Including how to make, and keep, friends. And how doing certain things can affect them.
Somehow, I ended up with friends, people I cared about, again for the first time in years, and when I realized I screw up, I just. I didn't know how to deal with it. All I knew was that I didn't want to lose what little I had all over again.
no subject
Yeah. [she says finally.] I guess I get that.
You weren't doing a terrible job.
no subject
[ still, there's a bit of warmth there--praise, from one of the people who has been teaching him how good it can be to have friends!! ]
no subject
she's vaguely exasperated by this, but there's a tinge of like, amusement to it too.]
No, until you lied to me for a week about not having done it. I can get over the murder thing.
no subject
Right.
...sorry. [ you know. in case the remorse wasn't already clear. ]
no subject
[that's the best she can do, but - it's a start.]
no subject
So then...what now?
no subject
I don't know. I guess you don't have to avoid me or whatever.
no subject