so here's the thing. first of all i, ty, love this. second of all, nico di angelo is just taking all of this in very, very slowly. like extremely slowly. and he's thinking about what danny had asked once, about trying to find the people who were gone, and he's thinking about who danny is as a person and every now and then his thoughts about danny get muddled with thoughts of himself because a lot of those emotions are, unfortunately, familiar. sometimes you lose everything good in your life and you know it's your own fucking fault for being born--no. not that far. for being something you didn't ever really ask to be and screwing up everyone else's lives along the way. sometimes you can barely find the strength or the willpower to plow through a meaningless life because the things that made living worth living aren't living anymore.
sometimes you just have a rage that builds up inside of you because everything is unfair and you can't figure out where to go from there. your anger bubbles over and all you want to do is punish yourself and punish people around you and drag people down to rebuild yourself and try to keep going. you don't need other people. you control your own fate for once, even if fate means destroying yourself just to mean something.
but it also doesn't entirely fit with the danny he's gotten to know, so he's letting the last of the panels fade before he turns to face him again. he doesn't speak immediately, just...sort of gauging what he's thinking. ]
...is there still a "you" and a "him"? Or have you reconciled with yourself since then?
[ the second danny realized what the memory was showing, he froze up like a deer in the headlights, tense and terrified. His fight or flight reaction is always fight, but this one time, just this one time, it's freeze. He's terrified to know what Nico is going to think of this, think of him now that the truth is out. So he watches carefully, barely even daring to breathe.
And even with the question Nico asks, he's still not sure. ]
Reconciled...with what, Nico? [ a beat as he considers, licks his lips, and then more quietly: ] You saw what I did to him.
[ he's now sitting here wondering who, exactly, he's dealing with but he doesn't quite say it that way. and maybe he should be a little more freaked out? i mean like. he truly just watched this dude rip apart a person with zero remorse but given the fact he's gotten so angry he's turned a person into a ghost and damned them to hell he can't say much.
granted, this was gruesome, so.
but no. this is still danny and it's the only reason he's approaching this with any semblance of chill. ]
I did. And I suppose what I'm really asking is what happened next. [ weirdly there's no judgment in the tone. it's equally quiet, and mostly uncertain in a way because he wants to understand and isn't sure if it's really his place to do so. (but he also seems to think danny literally destroying everything all the time makes more sense.) ]
[ the lack of judgement in nico's tone almost gives him hope...but he's terrified to truly entertain it. he hugs himself, a more vulnerable gesture than usual. ]
...the quote on your profile. How strongly do you believe that?
Strongly enough, or I wouldn't have said it to someone I brought back from the Underworld. [ pointblank. ] I think it's...difficult to make a better life with a second chance, but it's not impossible. The only person who can really determine what you do with your second chance is yourself. [ he tilts his head. ] Why do you ask?
That's what this is, for me. [ gestures down at himself ]
I've been a full ghost for...a long time. But my timeline is gone now, and being out of the timestream unmoored like that meant that I was going to destabilize and disappear. This, my human form now, it's just an empty clone body that I got shoved into to anchor me back to reality. One where none of that happened, and Danny and all his friends and family are still alive.
I got a second chance. Or--I thought I did. But then only a week later, I got pulled here.
[ he folds his arms over his chest, leaning back against a wall of the shop and assessing him for a moment. the demon shifts back to sort of wander from one of danny's shoulders to another, seemingly purring as it stares at nico as well. ]
Right. Without a physical anchor there would have been nothing attaching you to a living world. [ which he both does and doesn't get because not all of the ghosts he's met have had very solid forms like this. i see that danny got the naminé treatment. ] Sounds a little like a form of rebirth, but more sideways. So you're Danny, but not that Danny, but you replaced that Danny to make a more complete Danny who has all of the original Danny's memories from your timeline.
[ he frowns though because what is with this shitty timing. ]
I get that you might not even have an answer for this, considering, but...how do you feel about being in that timeline where they're there, but they aren't entirely yours the way you remember everything? [ he'll come back to the second chance thing in a second. ]
No. I didn't replace him. This timeline's Danny is still there too. Happy and whole, with everyone he loves around him. I'm just an awkward straggler no one knows what to do with--if they can even know about me at all.
But I have to...rebuild from the ground up. Everything. Except for Vlad, who's somehow "my dad" again. Ugh. [ puckers his face ]
So, no. I don't love it. It's awful. It's the worst. But it's either this, or total destruction. Not really much of a choice, is it?
Oh. [ that's actually much worse what the fuck. like. having to be there and watch that timeline's danny have everything that this danny wants but this danny can't entirely fit into the new life since he's been displaced out of time.
but still, nothing in his face changes as he seems to really think about this. ]
I don't know how I feel about this Vlad guy when he's the one who kind of put the idea in your head in the first place. [ first and foremost. but...he considers quietly. ] It's awful. It's a struggle. It's easy to feel frustrated and jealous and isolated when you're stuck looking at a life you wish you still had. [ but? ] But you could still in fact choose destruction, so I would say you still made a better choice.
[ there's a slow hum. ] The will to exist is still one of the hardest challenges a person has to face. But I do still think that you've proven yourself resilient enough to rebuild as long as that's what you want. I won't say it's easy. [ ... ] ...the quote is...something I said to my half-sister. Hazel. She'd been down in the underworld for decades before I found her and brought her back to the living world with me. Everything she'd ever known had completely changed, but she hadn't. I won't go into her whole story, but...her living life and the things that happened to her prior to her death weren't exactly kind to her either.
It'd be pretty easy for her to fall to the wayside and take another path, but...it's progress. She's doing better now. [ ... ] Rebuilding completely sucks, but I think it's worth taking a shot.
...I did choose destruction. For a long time. But eventually it backfired on me and now this is all I have left.
Honestly? I don't want to go home. There's nothing for me there but painful reminders of everything I did wrong and can no longer have. But more than that, I don't want to lose again. I can't have come this close to a second chance at life and then lose it before I've ever had a chance to live it.
...I believe that everybody and everything has the capacity for change if they're given the choice. It's really just a matter of if they want to, and to me, it sounds like you do. [ ... ] I was talking to Nimona about this, too. We don't really know what'll happen at the end of this. Maybe you really care choose to go somewhere else and start over if that's what you want. Give yourself time and space to figure out who you want to be next.
If you do, you could always come back with us. You wouldn't have to stay with us, there's like...a whole Earth out there. But at least it's an option, you know?
[ blinks and looks at nico like he has absolutely hung the stars in the sky ]
...really?
[ a world without vlad, without danny and his friends and family haunting him like bad memories, without clockwork still there...it sounds like the freshest start he could ever hope for ]
Yeah. You wouldn't be the first person I've brought home to give a second chance, and...you get it.
[ he doesn't need to say "you deserve the chance to try" because he figures danny knows what he means. ]
Will and I live at camp year round but we're close to Manhattan. And there are ways to travel and places to go so you aren't stuck in one spot if you don't want to be.
It is. Will and I go to the city sometimes, and we have friends wherever. We can introduce you to people, or you can decide what you'd like to do and find your own path. It's kinda like I said to the Cocoa Puffs. The scariest thing in the world is having to make our own decisions. But you don’t deserve to live a life without that option.
I think it is. [ a small shrug. ] It's...a place I fought for multiple times. Including now. I miss it and I have a harder time imagining not being there these days. It's why I want to make sure we can even have that option to bring people elsewhere.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ anyway, the comic panels come back and this time begin showing something from danny's memories. Enjoy my 5k fanfic, nerd. ]
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so here's the thing. first of all i, ty, love this. second of all, nico di angelo is just taking all of this in very, very slowly. like extremely slowly. and he's thinking about what danny had asked once, about trying to find the people who were gone, and he's thinking about who danny is as a person and every now and then his thoughts about danny get muddled with thoughts of himself because a lot of those emotions are, unfortunately, familiar. sometimes you lose everything good in your life and you know it's your own fucking fault for being born--no. not that far. for being something you didn't ever really ask to be and screwing up everyone else's lives along the way. sometimes you can barely find the strength or the willpower to plow through a meaningless life because the things that made living worth living aren't living anymore.
sometimes you just have a rage that builds up inside of you because everything is unfair and you can't figure out where to go from there. your anger bubbles over and all you want to do is punish yourself and punish people around you and drag people down to rebuild yourself and try to keep going. you don't need other people. you control your own fate for once, even if fate means destroying yourself just to mean something.
but it also doesn't entirely fit with the danny he's gotten to know, so he's letting the last of the panels fade before he turns to face him again. he doesn't speak immediately, just...sort of gauging what he's thinking. ]
...is there still a "you" and a "him"? Or have you reconciled with yourself since then?
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And even with the question Nico asks, he's still not sure. ]
Reconciled...with what, Nico? [ a beat as he considers, licks his lips, and then more quietly: ] You saw what I did to him.
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granted, this was gruesome, so.
but no. this is still danny and it's the only reason he's approaching this with any semblance of chill. ]
I did. And I suppose what I'm really asking is what happened next. [ weirdly there's no judgment in the tone. it's equally quiet, and mostly uncertain in a way because he wants to understand and isn't sure if it's really his place to do so. (but he also seems to think danny literally destroying everything all the time makes more sense.) ]
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...the quote on your profile. How strongly do you believe that?
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Strongly enough, or I wouldn't have said it to someone I brought back from the Underworld. [ pointblank. ] I think it's...difficult to make a better life with a second chance, but it's not impossible. The only person who can really determine what you do with your second chance is yourself. [ he tilts his head. ] Why do you ask?
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I've been a full ghost for...a long time. But my timeline is gone now, and being out of the timestream unmoored like that meant that I was going to destabilize and disappear. This, my human form now, it's just an empty clone body that I got shoved into to anchor me back to reality. One where none of that happened, and Danny and all his friends and family are still alive.
I got a second chance. Or--I thought I did. But then only a week later, I got pulled here.
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Right. Without a physical anchor there would have been nothing attaching you to a living world. [ which he both does and doesn't get because not all of the ghosts he's met have had very solid forms like this. i see that danny got the naminé treatment. ] Sounds a little like a form of rebirth, but more sideways. So you're Danny, but not that Danny, but you replaced that Danny to make a more complete Danny who has all of the original Danny's memories from your timeline.
[ he frowns though because what is with this shitty timing. ]
I get that you might not even have an answer for this, considering, but...how do you feel about being in that timeline where they're there, but they aren't entirely yours the way you remember everything? [ he'll come back to the second chance thing in a second. ]
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No. I didn't replace him. This timeline's Danny is still there too. Happy and whole, with everyone he loves around him. I'm just an awkward straggler no one knows what to do with--if they can even know about me at all.
But I have to...rebuild from the ground up. Everything. Except for Vlad, who's somehow "my dad" again. Ugh. [ puckers his face ]
So, no. I don't love it. It's awful. It's the worst. But it's either this, or total destruction. Not really much of a choice, is it?
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but still, nothing in his face changes as he seems to really think about this. ]
I don't know how I feel about this Vlad guy when he's the one who kind of put the idea in your head in the first place. [ first and foremost. but...he considers quietly. ] It's awful. It's a struggle. It's easy to feel frustrated and jealous and isolated when you're stuck looking at a life you wish you still had. [ but? ] But you could still in fact choose destruction, so I would say you still made a better choice.
[ there's a slow hum. ] The will to exist is still one of the hardest challenges a person has to face. But I do still think that you've proven yourself resilient enough to rebuild as long as that's what you want. I won't say it's easy. [ ... ] ...the quote is...something I said to my half-sister. Hazel. She'd been down in the underworld for decades before I found her and brought her back to the living world with me. Everything she'd ever known had completely changed, but she hadn't. I won't go into her whole story, but...her living life and the things that happened to her prior to her death weren't exactly kind to her either.
It'd be pretty easy for her to fall to the wayside and take another path, but...it's progress. She's doing better now. [ ... ] Rebuilding completely sucks, but I think it's worth taking a shot.
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Honestly? I don't want to go home. There's nothing for me there but painful reminders of everything I did wrong and can no longer have. But more than that, I don't want to lose again. I can't have come this close to a second chance at life and then lose it before I've ever had a chance to live it.
All I want is to just...be.
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...I believe that everybody and everything has the capacity for change if they're given the choice. It's really just a matter of if they want to, and to me, it sounds like you do. [ ... ] I was talking to Nimona about this, too. We don't really know what'll happen at the end of this. Maybe you really care choose to go somewhere else and start over if that's what you want. Give yourself time and space to figure out who you want to be next.
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If I survive this, anyway.
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If you do, you could always come back with us. You wouldn't have to stay with us, there's like...a whole Earth out there. But at least it's an option, you know?
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...really?
[ a world without vlad, without danny and his friends and family haunting him like bad memories, without clockwork still there...it sounds like the freshest start he could ever hope for ]
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Yeah. You wouldn't be the first person I've brought home to give a second chance, and...you get it.
[ he doesn't need to say "you deserve the chance to try" because he figures danny knows what he means. ]
Will and I live at camp year round but we're close to Manhattan. And there are ways to travel and places to go so you aren't stuck in one spot if you don't want to be.
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It sounds...[ like salvation. ] ...nice.
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[ both for nico's sake, as well as his own ]
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We have a few more weeks, and I know what I want to ask and what I want to look into. We can only hope we'll get the answers we want.
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[ chanting, brute! force! brute!! force!!! ]
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I like the way you think. [ with that though... ] Come on. Now that that's over, let's keep looking around.
[ and we can probably call this a wrap and i'll nab you for something in the new week tbh. ]