[ he turns then, leaning back against a shelf as if he's trying to recall but it's really because he's trying to remind himself that it's just a question and danny doesn't know how complicated it is. he could stand to not tell him, but...nico figures he's asking for a reason. ]
...even in death she was still trying to tell me what to do because I don't think she ever figured out how to not be my older sister. [ he says, finally clarifying. ] She kept telling me I had to learn to forgive what had happened, I had to stop being angry she was gone, and I needed to learn to let go. Which...you know. Terrible thing to say at the time even though I kind of understand why now that I'm older. But it was always me and Bianca and losing her kind of made the entire world worse when things were already bad. Of course I wanted to bring her back. That's why I summoned her, you know? I was...going to try and exchange her soul for someone else's to revive her.
The ghost who was training me with my powers and who promised to help me never really had any intentions of helping me succeed. So after I banished him, I tried again on my own later. A few years after that, I got more of my memories back, and I remembered pieces of memories I was missing. So I tried to summon our mother, too. That didn't work as well, but I did summon Bianca a few more times. Eventually, my father told me the things I needed to know in order to remember the things he'd erased.
[ and he kind of looks at danny to gauge his reaction. ]
I spent a really, really long time with just the dead for company. Of course I've tried. And even now...there are people I wish I could contact but I think they've already officially moved on. I can't feel them anymore.
[ wow okay. danny didn't think he was going to get this much detail to it, but he has. he listens intently with his eyes focused on some snack or another on the shelf, feeling as if looking nico in the eye as he discusses this is somehow too personal.
afterwards, he chews on this in silence for a few moments, before-- ]
[ yeah the unfortunate part is that nico actually trusts danny and is kind of half-waiting to see if this'll blow up in his face while also going "well maybe he gets it." so. he shrugs. ]
Not in the slightest. [ and he does sound sure about that. ] Of course it hurt to see her disappear each time, but I would have regretted not trying more. [ ... ] I even tried bringing her back a different way. But by then it was too late and she'd already moved on to choose rebirth. I couldn't have saved her even if I wanted to after that.
[ ...which...complicated. ]
But I did find Hazel, and that's...I don't regret that either. Even if you're not actually supposed to bring judged souls out of the Underworld.
[ yeah it'll be hysterical if danny slams betray on him.
anyway he doesn't rush him because. like. it's a heavy topic? it's been a heavy day, period, and he's pretending to look over jars of peanut butter to give himself something to and give danny space to figure out what he wants to say.
whatever he was expecting, it wasn't that though. ]
I think that depends. Were you purposefully trying to find them? Or was it more of an incidental thing of "if I come across them, I come across them"?
[ again. lots of questions!! namely what and when, but...maybe it doesn't matter. ]
...unexpectedly, I assume. [ ... ] To answer your question, I think maybe the better or worse still depends further on if you would be able to stay with them when you found them. I think it might be worse to find someone and have them ripped away from you again.
It's hard leaving them behind. Especially when you know you have to, or that they can't permanently stay. And it's not like it really gets easier, you just sort of figure out how to manage with it because what choice do you really have. You know? [ a little bitterly, maybe. ]
...but I am sorry. Losing people's always unfair no matter the circumstances.
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...even in death she was still trying to tell me what to do because I don't think she ever figured out how to not be my older sister. [ he says, finally clarifying. ] She kept telling me I had to learn to forgive what had happened, I had to stop being angry she was gone, and I needed to learn to let go. Which...you know. Terrible thing to say at the time even though I kind of understand why now that I'm older. But it was always me and Bianca and losing her kind of made the entire world worse when things were already bad. Of course I wanted to bring her back. That's why I summoned her, you know? I was...going to try and exchange her soul for someone else's to revive her.
The ghost who was training me with my powers and who promised to help me never really had any intentions of helping me succeed. So after I banished him, I tried again on my own later. A few years after that, I got more of my memories back, and I remembered pieces of memories I was missing. So I tried to summon our mother, too. That didn't work as well, but I did summon Bianca a few more times. Eventually, my father told me the things I needed to know in order to remember the things he'd erased.
[ and he kind of looks at danny to gauge his reaction. ]
I spent a really, really long time with just the dead for company. Of course I've tried. And even now...there are people I wish I could contact but I think they've already officially moved on. I can't feel them anymore.
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afterwards, he chews on this in silence for a few moments, before-- ]
...do you regret it? Summoning any of them.
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Not in the slightest. [ and he does sound sure about that. ] Of course it hurt to see her disappear each time, but I would have regretted not trying more. [ ... ] I even tried bringing her back a different way. But by then it was too late and she'd already moved on to choose rebirth. I couldn't have saved her even if I wanted to after that.
[ ...which...complicated. ]
But I did find Hazel, and that's...I don't regret that either. Even if you're not actually supposed to bring judged souls out of the Underworld.
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Danny nods to this and just keeps staring at the snack shelf silently for another few moments, debating internally. ]
...I never did find anyone I knew as ghosts. I could never figure out if that was for better or for worse.
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anyway he doesn't rush him because. like. it's a heavy topic? it's been a heavy day, period, and he's pretending to look over jars of peanut butter to give himself something to and give danny space to figure out what he wants to say.
whatever he was expecting, it wasn't that though. ]
I think that depends. Were you purposefully trying to find them? Or was it more of an incidental thing of "if I come across them, I come across them"?
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suddenly he thinks maybe there is something much worse going on here, actually. ]
...what's going on for you? [ "why were you searching? where were you?" ]
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What? What do you mean?
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...unexpectedly, I assume. [ ... ] To answer your question, I think maybe the better or worse still depends further on if you would be able to stay with them when you found them. I think it might be worse to find someone and have them ripped away from you again.
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I guess it's probably for the best that I couldn't find them, then.
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It's hard leaving them behind. Especially when you know you have to, or that they can't permanently stay. And it's not like it really gets easier, you just sort of figure out how to manage with it because what choice do you really have. You know? [ a little bitterly, maybe. ]
...but I am sorry. Losing people's always unfair no matter the circumstances.
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Thanks.
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[ because it means actually being honest with a person. ]